“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
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[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.