Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
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When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest