people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
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You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
(Musicians.)
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.