my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
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All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5