Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
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shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.