“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
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[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?