Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
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If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I’ve had worse
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.