*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
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Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
doing your own taxes
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely