If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
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Trying
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Traveler’s camo
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.