Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
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On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.