I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
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Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh