[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
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[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Happy thanksgiving
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Interior design 👌
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Weirdos gonna weird.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.