Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
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Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.