Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
You Might Also Like
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.