If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
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I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Same pineapple, same
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water