My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
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If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it