If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
You Might Also Like
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs