Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
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when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Rather alarming headline…
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”