welcome mats are just gateway rugs
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I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.