Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
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AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge