I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
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Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Me trying to “trust the process”
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.