Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
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I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
May your day taste like creamy soup.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us