professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
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HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist