Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
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I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
oh u like history? name everything that happened
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.