Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
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Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.