Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
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Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
A Short Story.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it