Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
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Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
how much for the angry fruit?
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office