To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
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13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Dolls on drugs
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death