[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
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Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse