WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
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Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
In Canada they just call them geese
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.