Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
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it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?