A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
You Might Also Like
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?