Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
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Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Fries, not lies.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.