me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
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the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
THE AUDACITY. 😤
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.