My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
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12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster