DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
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[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
They’re stuck in your pants?
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.