I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
You Might Also Like
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie