Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
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Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Found the job I’m suited for
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.