Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
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If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.