If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I’m Sold!
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.