Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
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“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
My five year plan is a meteorite
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.