I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
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60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
What an awful time to have common sense.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.