ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
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Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
is this meant to deter me
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!