People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
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just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Me recordaron éste meme
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY