Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
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texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
normalize having existential bread
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you