According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
You Might Also Like
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I’ve been drinking.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy