7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
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[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
In case you needed to hear it:
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I’ll be mad as hell!
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’