[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
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I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I need better friends
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Breaking news:
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.