Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
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Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Those are good neighbors.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.