Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
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ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
happy friday
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
He is just living hist best little life 😊
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.